Last week I offered some reflections on forgiveness, informed by the wisdom of Maya Angelou, bell hooks, and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. Several of you all told me that you found it helpful. And what you shared about your own journeys and questions made it clear to me it would be good to continue reflecting on Christian forgiveness, and the ways it is often misunderstood and misused. 

Now, like last week, I want to start with the experience of mercy from God, of the gift of divine mercy and unconditional love we all have offered to us. Just take a moment, a prayerful moment to let yourself feel that mercy God has for you as a beloved child of the Living God. 

Our faith testifies that the experience of Grace as manifest through Christ is a free gift offered to any and all. This is an unconditional gift – it doesn’t have anything to do with deserving or undeserving. By the grace of God, we all are forgiven. 

And … just because grace is free, does not mean it is cheap. 

A major misunderstanding of Christian forgiveness is that somehow if you plead the blood of Christ this gives you a pass to sidestep any kind of accountability for the consequences of your actions. This has been used to excuse and dismiss all manner of abuses. 

Jesus told us to guard against this: by your fruits you shall be known. Anyone who talks on and on about grace but does not show the fruits of a changed life has not in fact known the astonishing and humbling experience of God’s grace in their hearts. 

Jesus and centuries of Christian spiritual geniuses who followed in his way make it very clear that when we accept this grace of God into our hearts, this moves us to see more clearly the harms we have done, to seek to make reparations for those harms, and it moves us, in a healing way, to be free of the bitterness in our own hearts, to be more merciful and forgiving of others. 

Too often there is a double standard here: People with more power and privilege get to bear grudges and nurse resentments and burst with rage, and get a free pass because they make a big deal of professing Jesus Christ as their lord and savior. But it’s people who have less power and are more vulnerable who are told they need to be forgiving and to even return to situations that are unsafe. 

As I showed last week, Jesus was very much about holding people accountable for the harms they have done, and about having good boundaries with those who have proven themselves to be untrustworthy. But Jesus’ way of doing so is with a heart of mercy, honoring people’s humanity, honoring their dignity as a child of God who bears the potential to grow past the suffering of their sin-sick condition and grow to be more humble and loving. 

No one should feel forced to forgive. It is not fair to put someone in the position where they feel they need to forgive when they are not ready. This is not how forgiveness or grace works. It takes time, it takes healing, it takes a restoration of one’s sense of value and wholeness. That is a process, a soul-deep process between someone and God and trusted friends. It is no one’s business to dictate.  

There is a lot of wisdom about this from 12-step addiction recovery communities. 

Some key steps in the 12-steps involve making a detailed, and fearless moral inventory of oneself, naming and recognizing wrongdoing and harm one has done. One then shares this with a trusted and wise mentor, who can help one weather all the emotions that can come with being honest about these harms, with grace and humility, and commitment to integrity. 

Then after more growth with God allowing one to more humbly live with less selfishness and more integrity, one reaches Step 9: “Making direct amends to those one has harmed, except when doing so would cause further harm.” 

There is a lot of hard-won wisdom about forgiveness here. As one AA book puts it:

“Good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence – these are the qualities we shall need when we take Step 9.”

When one owns up to the harm one has done and sincerely seek to make amends, it is very important that one does so without doing further harm. This may mean that direct contact or full disclosure to someone one has harmed is not the compassionate thing to do. One needs to be very careful to not be acting out of selfish motives, as well as being careful not to make clever excuses for avoiding accountability.
         So, I believe it is important to own up to the harm done, to sincerely apologize, and seek to make amends, acknowledging that it’s not like harm that has been done can be undone. But I have come to think that while it is so important to apologize and own up to harm done, it’s not fair to directly ask for forgiveness from the other person.

Whether someone is ready to forgive is up to them and where they are with the harm and with the wellness of their soul. Forgiveness cannot be demanded from someone – that’s not fair to them and not true to what forgiveness is. 

Forgiveness is part of a healing journey, that can be uneven and take time.

Moreover, forgiveness arrives as a gift, a free gift of Grace from God. We can do wise and faithful things to help it along, with prayer and wise council, and sincere intention, but it isn’t something we make happen. It takes grace, as part of a healing journey.

Grace is what’s required. Because, yes, there can be amends, yes, there can be reparations, yes, there can be healing and growth, but harm done can’t be undone. 

And what do we do when we cannot reconcile with the person we have harmed? Either because we are not morally ready, or because reconnecting with them so would be harmful to them or because they are no longer among the living. And what do we do when any reconciliation is not possible with one who has harmed us? Either because they are not morally ready, or because reconnecting with them would be harmful to us, or because they are no longer among the living.

God help us!

Exactly. 

We need God in the mix. 

For that we need Jesus. Or at least I sure do – I’ll speak for myself. I need Jesus, who shows us the Divine embodied in human form, loving us into freedom through even the worst of what humans can do each other – a love that passes through the cross and into the embrace of our Holy Creator.  

God has a God’s-eye view of our lives. 

God has a God-sized love for our lives. 

God sees all the suffering we cause for each other, 

all the suffering others have caused for us, 

all the suffering we have caused for others, 

all the suffering others cause for themselves, 

all the suffering we cause for ourselves

 – God sees all of this, God knows all of this, God feels all of this. 

God loves through all of this, welcoming us into an embrace that is much, much bigger than any wound. 

This is the source of all forgiveness. 

What a gift. What a gift. 

The Truth indeed sets us free. 

What is there to say but Thank you. 

Thanks be to God. 

(Delivered Sunday, March 26, 2023, by Rev. Nathaniel Mahlberg, at the United Church of Christ at Valley Forge)